Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Tale of the TrollSlayer™

As written and told by Zil_ live in chat:

Once upon a time.. not so long ago there was a chatroom where the people were chatty and pleasant and happy. Until one day a mysterious stranger came...

His name was... Stanger.

And he oozed danger, and intrigue, and smelled faintly of the dark places under bridges He observed them all silently, noting their likes and dislikes, jotting the little details they dropped.. one after another like precious pearls into his waiting greedy hands. He salivated watching them frolic.. so unaware.. so playful..

And plotted into the dark recesses of the night..

A few days later, the playful crowd were introduced to a "new" character. Lovely and fair, smiling graciously with just the faintest whiff of dark places under bridges. But no one seemed to notice. The new person always seemed to know what to say.. how to make everyone feel special. And the innocents of the chatroom gladly enfolded the newcomer into their snuggley midst.

And then one day, just when they thought they were safe, that person told a story which began "Once upon a time... not so long ago..." And the happy chatroom settled in to listen the fair creature.. named Zil_ .. so trusting .. so pleased...

No one smelled the darkness rising from beneath her robes. Dank and dark and sucking the light and the air until they slipped into sleep, one by one. Then, with a maniacal laugh, the fair Zil_ discarded her robes and stood revealed! Growing to giant troll size with glaring red eyes, the rotten smell of old flesh and the dark places beneath the bridges rolling purtid and cloying from his fur. And Stanger fell upon them all, licking and slurping and nibbling the small pieces in wicked delight!

With a thunderous CRACK! the door crashed open! Sunlight flared from behind the figure in the doorway and the giant troll scurried away from the light, dragging the nearest body into the darkest corner with him. A man stepped into the darkness wrinkling his nose at the odor. "I know you are here..." he called.

But Stanger stayed silent, waiting for his moment. He narrowed his eyes and calculated his chances.. this man would be no challenge. Suddenly, an eerie metallic ring echoed through the deathly silent room. Brilliant rays of light reflected off the perfectly polished blade as the imposing man pulled the The TrollSlayer™ forth from it's scabbard. Stangers eye widened in fear!!

It couldnt be!??! This man was a myth.. whispered to naughty trollings late at night! But oh no! He was here!

Tarlanon's laughter boomed around the room. "I smell your fear!"

Stanger whimpered with fear and abandoned his prey (a juicy morsel known as Afrikaisi). He broke for the door, desparate to be away from the mythical man. Fleeing for his life, all confidence lost, the troll lunged towards the door.


Flashing again in the sun the TrollSlayer™ swung once. Once was enough. Stanger's head rolled out the door... leaving the body behind.

Tarlanon pushed the door open the rest of the way with the tip of the TrollSlayer™ and allowed the sunlight played across the fallen troll body, now oozing ichor across the floor. As the sunlight played across the body, it began to bubble and steam, and then in sudden furious boil exploded,
strewing cookies with rainbow chips across the room!

Tarlanon grinned and sheathed his sword. Debonairly, he scooped up a handful of cookies and crossed to the ravishing young woman in the far corner. Pulling her to his chest he waved the cookie beneath her nose. Afri's eyes slowly opened, staring into his bearded face.

"Is it over?" she whispered breathlessly.

"It's over." he replied, smiling gently into her eyes.

"And now you have an endless supply of Rainbow Cookies."

Her eyes lit up with glee! "Rainbow cookies! We can never thank you enough!"
"How can we ever repay you, oh mighty Tarlanon??"

He stood suddenly, swirling his cape around him. "There is no need for payment!" he called, heading towards the door where he stopped and stooped a moment, picking something up.

"Only promise me this...The next time something fair and lovely twines its way into your fellowship..Always might be this!" And he presented the head of the troll and tossed it to roll to her feet.

The dead eyes of Stanger stared up at her... still hungry...Still red..Still inviting her to laugh with Zil_, the legendary troll in disguise. Afri gasped. And when she raised her eyes again Tarlanon was gone.

Slowly, she roused the sleeping Slothies and told them the tale. They mounted the head above the door, that they might never forget as they feasted on Rainbow Chip beware The Troll!


  1. Yay! Story time, must keep posting these as Zil tells them.

  2. I *lurve* this story! Obviously! :3 Although I'm not thrilled that the big scary troll was our BELOVED Zil_. Make it someone else pl0x! =)

  3. *is scared to death...* *dies*

    that was so scary!!!! but amazing... (although i did notice a few grammar mistakes.... it's ok... it's the internet!)


  4. man, do i wish i was there to hear the story in chat...
    nicely done, Tarl (or Zil_, if you actually wrote it)
    er... was this actually in chat? i'm kinda gullible...

  5. another thing worthy of my lego sloth

  6. Zil! Neva! I won't believe it!