Monday, February 23, 2009

Professor Sloth Solves a Problem

Today’s problem: What is a Slothite?

Here at Professor Sloth’s, we, used in the royal sense, are in the business of solving problems. However, sometimes a problem is so endemic that no one but said astounding professor is keyed into its knowledge. I am asked constantly, “Professor Sloth! What is a Slothite? Durdurdur”. My unfailing response is of course, Wrong! Wrong wrong wrong wrong. Not correct. A Slothite? A!? The idea that a Slothite is some sort of individual is of course, absurd.

As any well educated Sloth knows, slothite is in fact an ancient and rare mineral. Slothite, being a condensed and pure form of laziness, formed immediately after the Big Bang decided to take a break. From that point on it has been deposited in large, but relatively safe amounts throughout history. It was not until the relatively recent invention of flash gaming that enough slothite was available in one place to study it in a meaningful way. Flash gamers turned out to be a spectacular source of slothite, depositing small portions during each day long gaming session.

While rare, slothite was not seen as useful to the wider public, and so this discovery was largely overlooked. Or it was, until Mortimer Triddle P.I. found a rather outstanding use for slothite during a power nap that turned into a week long coma. Exposed to toxic amounts of slothite during his last case, only his grit and detective spirit pulled him through the excessive amounts of sloth he was experiencing. Upon waking, he used his incredible deductive skills and realized the slothite was responsible. Thinking as a true capitalist, and desperate for money after seeing his hospital bill, he marketed small doses of slothite as a cure for all sorts of nervous and sleep disorders.

Subsequently, gaming sites became mini-factories for the precious, precious gray gold. Industries were started to create, collect, and sift slothite from other common or annoying minerals such as Borite (condensed whines of “I’m bored”). Certain rooms, not high with activity were used as storehouses for the slothite waiting to reach the masses. It was in these warehouses that the effect of copious amounts of slothite was first observed. Fortunately, it took a truly spectacular event for slothite tycoons to realize that they needed stricter methods of storing their fortunes.

I speak here of the creation of Sloth. In the early days of slothite refining, a room was created, bigger and more splendid than any other. They named it Sloth, after what it would be storing. As the grandest and most active of all depots, Sloth was also destined for the grandest of slothite reactions. There are few written records of the disaster, most surviving victims being too lazy to write down their accounts. However, they say it happened during a leap year, a time when even the Father Time needs an extra day to sit down and rest and everyone takes a little time to sleep in. Perhaps this was what started the process which would forever be known as the “Not Quite so Big, but Close Enough and Jolly Good” Bang. The closely packed slothite began to slouch dangerously together, eventually forming a giant mass and in the ensuing explosion unleashing a wave of laze unlike any before or after it. Ground Zero, or Sloth Central as it became known, was so densely packed with laze and bliss that the effect lingers to this day, enhancing, (some may say damaging) all who enter.

This has been a brief history of slothite, the creation of the universe, industry, and modern medicine. In closing, you are all wrong, and I am always right.
-Professor Sloth

Calling all Sloths! Professor Sloth wants this source of income to become steady...say on a weekly basis. For that he is going to need more questions. Compete in the comments section to make sure your question is next up on the chopping block for Professor Sloth's Axe of Knowledge!

Legal Disclaimer: Professor Sloth is is no way sponsored by Kongregate or any of its affiliates. Professor Sloth is not royalty in any nation and should not be treated as such. Professor Sloth is a bit of a jerk, but we find him useful. Professor Sloth is not responsible for any slothite reactions caused by reading this blog. Professor Sloth thinks you should wear blue more often. Professor Sloth may not legally be a graduate of any institute of higher education. We have not promised to pay Professor Sloth.


  1. LOL. thanks Gal, this was great!
    -whiny little 8-year old's voice- can you tell me the story of how the mods came to sloth, professor?-/whiny little kid's voice-

  2. *bows down to Professor Slo--- Oh wait. Er, awesome.

  3. What is the proper term for citizens of Sloth? As we have been mutated by hours of exposure to Slothite, shouldn't we get a new name?


  4. Great text Gal!

  5. that is so memorial, I will add slothite to my lego sloth

  6. Brilliant Gal. Wonder if you can answer this question? How was Goo discovered or invented?

  7. Where does the snuggawump originate?