Monday, February 23, 2009

Professor Sloth Solves a Problem

Today’s problem: What is a Slothite?

Here at Professor Sloth’s, we, used in the royal sense, are in the business of solving problems. However, sometimes a problem is so endemic that no one but said astounding professor is keyed into its knowledge. I am asked constantly, “Professor Sloth! What is a Slothite? Durdurdur”. My unfailing response is of course, Wrong! Wrong wrong wrong wrong. Not correct. A Slothite? A!? The idea that a Slothite is some sort of individual is of course, absurd.

As any well educated Sloth knows, slothite is in fact an ancient and rare mineral. Slothite, being a condensed and pure form of laziness, formed immediately after the Big Bang decided to take a break. From that point on it has been deposited in large, but relatively safe amounts throughout history. It was not until the relatively recent invention of flash gaming that enough slothite was available in one place to study it in a meaningful way. Flash gamers turned out to be a spectacular source of slothite, depositing small portions during each day long gaming session.

While rare, slothite was not seen as useful to the wider public, and so this discovery was largely overlooked. Or it was, until Mortimer Triddle P.I. found a rather outstanding use for slothite during a power nap that turned into a week long coma. Exposed to toxic amounts of slothite during his last case, only his grit and detective spirit pulled him through the excessive amounts of sloth he was experiencing. Upon waking, he used his incredible deductive skills and realized the slothite was responsible. Thinking as a true capitalist, and desperate for money after seeing his hospital bill, he marketed small doses of slothite as a cure for all sorts of nervous and sleep disorders.

Subsequently, gaming sites became mini-factories for the precious, precious gray gold. Industries were started to create, collect, and sift slothite from other common or annoying minerals such as Borite (condensed whines of “I’m bored”). Certain rooms, not high with activity were used as storehouses for the slothite waiting to reach the masses. It was in these warehouses that the effect of copious amounts of slothite was first observed. Fortunately, it took a truly spectacular event for slothite tycoons to realize that they needed stricter methods of storing their fortunes.

I speak here of the creation of Sloth. In the early days of slothite refining, a room was created, bigger and more splendid than any other. They named it Sloth, after what it would be storing. As the grandest and most active of all depots, Sloth was also destined for the grandest of slothite reactions. There are few written records of the disaster, most surviving victims being too lazy to write down their accounts. However, they say it happened during a leap year, a time when even the Father Time needs an extra day to sit down and rest and everyone takes a little time to sleep in. Perhaps this was what started the process which would forever be known as the “Not Quite so Big, but Close Enough and Jolly Good” Bang. The closely packed slothite began to slouch dangerously together, eventually forming a giant mass and in the ensuing explosion unleashing a wave of laze unlike any before or after it. Ground Zero, or Sloth Central as it became known, was so densely packed with laze and bliss that the effect lingers to this day, enhancing, (some may say damaging) all who enter.

This has been a brief history of slothite, the creation of the universe, industry, and modern medicine. In closing, you are all wrong, and I am always right.
-Professor Sloth

Calling all Sloths! Professor Sloth wants this source of income to become steady...say on a weekly basis. For that he is going to need more questions. Compete in the comments section to make sure your question is next up on the chopping block for Professor Sloth's Axe of Knowledge!

Legal Disclaimer: Professor Sloth is is no way sponsored by Kongregate or any of its affiliates. Professor Sloth is not royalty in any nation and should not be treated as such. Professor Sloth is a bit of a jerk, but we find him useful. Professor Sloth is not responsible for any slothite reactions caused by reading this blog. Professor Sloth thinks you should wear blue more often. Professor Sloth may not legally be a graduate of any institute of higher education. We have not promised to pay Professor Sloth.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Better Know a Sloth! Part 3

OK, so the blog was looking pretty stagnant *glares at Zil for never adding anything* so I thought I might as well add something new, even if it was just a bit half-baked. So here is the third questionnaire. Don't blame _me_ i it isn't very creative!!!

1) What is your astrological sign?

2) What Chinese year were you born in? (i.e. Ox, Rooster, Snake, etc.)

3) Take this test and tell us what you are! Do you think this is accurate? Why or why not?

4) If Sloth were a real place, what would it look like?

5) Italian food is fantastic, there is no denying it. What Italian food do you like best and why? (Note that pizza is not an option. The god of Sloth will not accept your boring, not-thought-out answers.)

6) Apologies to everyone that is in a foreign country devoid of the classic American food chains, this is another one of those questions. Do you prefer Pizza Hut, Dominoes, Papa John's, or some random other pizza chain?

7) Are there any classic stereotypes that you fall into?

8) Are there any stereotypes that you don't fall into?

9) If you were a plant, what kind of plant would you be?

10) How much do you sweat?

11) What makes your eyes bleed more: excessive caps, or regular ol' spam?

12) When you were really little, what did you think you wanted to grow up to be/do? (Basically, tell us something you wanted when you were little, but think is horrifying now...or somesuch..)

13) Do a google images search for Jensen Ackles. Now is he hot or what?!?! (Note that hot, or yes, would be the correct answer >.>)

14) If you could be an inanimate object what would you choose to be, and if your close friends had the choice what would they choose for you?

15) If you had to choose only one person to retain a memory of, do you know who you would choose? (This means that you would not remember anyone else but them.) (Also, this is just a yes or no question. No need to reveal to us anything more.)

Monday, February 2, 2009

Round 3 begins!!!

Round 3 begins!! This will be the final qualifying matchup before we start the playoffs! Here are the current standings (Points explained below):



















Player Points
Sarsy 10
PuzzleLover1 10
Tarlanon 10
Timerunner 10
TheDarkMuse 9
SgtDroopy 7
Galexan 7
Kittysune 7
Blakezo 6
Trogdor0 6
Tuul 6
GloriousKnight 6
Bunniesrck31 5
Dacomb 5
ldmacdonald 5
kikimomojojododo 3
anniethenanny 2
Zil_ 1



You'll notice there are two players missing. While we shall all greatly miss Evers and Flops unique presence in the tournament, they both had to drop. We all wish them well in their travels!

Before playing this round, please review the rules and regulations. Because round two is finished, there will be NO NEW ENTRANTS allowed. The begging to be added is still permitted.
  1. All games will be 3-card matches. You can choose from a random selection of cards or use your own pre-made decks. Your choice. Your opponent may also choose to use a random deck, or one of their own pre-made decks.
  2. To play a match, check the chart (below) to see who your opponent is. Then simply greet them in chat and decide when you want to play out your match. Please whisper your opponent if you have trouble finding them in chat to set up a good time to play.
  3. During the match, record how many of your opponents cards you kill, and how many of your cards are killed. This is needed when reporting match results.
  4. When the match is over, one of you will make a comment in this post with the basic match details. These will include who won, who lost, and how many cards each of you killed. If you choose to include more detail of what went on in your match, please feel free to include the blow-by-blow details!! We lieks us some stories!
  5. Limited trash-talking is permitted, but if the other person says stop you stop immediately. Harassing your opponent beyond that point will result in immediate disqualification from the tournament. If you plan to trash-talk, keep it clean and respectful.
  6. Anyone caught H4xx0rz1ng a game will be immediately disqualified from the tournament, and reported to the admins.
  7. MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A GOOD CONNECTION BEFORE STARTING A MATCH. A match lost to a timeout or disconnect will still count as a loss to you. There will be no do-overs.
  8. Ties are acceptable in this portion of the tournament. However, if you and your opponent both agree to a rematch to determine a clear winner, that is acceptable. However re-playing a decided match is not.
  9. If you have trouble finding your opponent online, PLEASE whisper me your desire to change opponents (for this reason only). Don't just pick someone else from the list and square off, then tell me about it later. I Check my whispers regularly, so I will get back to you soon.
  10. Matches are scored in the following manner. Win = 2 points. Tie = 1 point. 1 additional point is added for each card you kill. This will be used later when seeding the brackets for the single-elimination playoffs.
  11. Any discrepancies or disagreement should be brought before me (Tarlanon) for arbitration. Whisper my Kong profile or catch me in chat if you need to discuss something.
  12. This tournament will consist of a 3 round qualifier (currently in round 2) followed which will seed a single-elimination playoff round. Seeding for the playoffs will be based on total points, then by Skill rank if there is a tie.
  13. If there are any questions about a match, the tournament, it's rules, etc. PLEASE whisper my kong profile with any questions. I check them fairly regularly, so I will get back to you soon.
Good luck!




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Sunday, February 1, 2009

The Key to Making Friends In Sloth

Any high class person will tell you that etiquette is an integral part in every social gathering, and Sloth is nothing if not high class. As a highly social room, I thought it important to impart my wisdom to all of you lovely Slothies out there, about how to behave properly in our lovely room. Being a well-behaved Sloth will inevitably lead you to being a well-loved Sloth, which will in turn lead to you being one booty kicking gamer and Konger.

1) Always try your best to follow the Three Line Thang. Remember, three is fine, but four is over the line. If you break the thang, be prepared to be flogged with wet noodles, and chastised by your slothy peers. You have been warned. ;) Also, please do not post ascii art. This means no dancing kirbys, no kittens, no guitar or rock on hands, etc. Ascii art is just spam.

2) Trolls are hungry little demons who just never seem to get enough. Should a troll enter a room, there are four things you should remember. 1: BYOM. Being your own mod is a surprisingly simple, enjoyable, and beneficial thing to do. Muting someone gets them out of your chat, and off your mind. 2: Porcupine. Saying this word is a very easy way to warn your fellow sloths of a invading troll, and mass mute his ugly little behind. Plus, it does not feed the troll, because he probably does not know why you said that, and it wasn't directed at him in the first place. 3: Modfriend. If none of Sloth's lovely resident mods is not in the room or paying attention to chat, just search "Modfriend" and find the list of Modfriend's friends, all of which are mods. There, you can see which mods are in chat, and whisper to them asking for their help. If you don't get a response, do not worry, just whisper to another one! 4: Do NOT feed the troll. I cannot stress this enough. You may think you are helping the room, or a mod, by telling the troll to stfu, or that they are an idiot, or to leave sloth, but you are, in fact, only making things worse for the entire room.

3) Snuggling is one of the keystones of Sloth society. If one of your pals snuggles with you, the proper thing to do is to respond with a wuggle. Remember this, and all of life's secrets will fall into place.

4)Huggles, glomps, and snuggawugs are two other friendly gestures you may encounter while visiting Sloth, and may be responded to by any of the already mentioned methods.

5)Snurkles and froodles are anomalies in the world of Sloth. No one knows where they came from, or why they are here, but should Zil_ deem you fit to receive one, you should be honored.

6)Share you food pl0x! Cookies, pies, tacos, and most other foods are always welcome in our lovely room. Should you come across any deliciousness on your travels, please share with the room. Sharing is caring! And we will very much appreciate it. All this lazing around is very hard work, and we Sloths get very hungry. (Please note however that this does not give you permission to spam food or anything. Spam is bad in all its forms, and just because you are sharing your food, it doesn't give you the right to spam.)

7)Avoid dangerous conversation topics like politics, religion, and sports. Trolls often like to hide among us, masquerading as nice, normal users, but such topics often bring out the worst in people, and the trolls show their true colors, sending our room into chaos.

8) Follow all of Kongregate's rules. Should you ever need a refresher course in them visit this page.

9) Google is your friend. When everyone is playing a new badge game, or another new game, and trying to figure it out together, asking for help is fine. It is fun for the room to participate in figuring out the secrets of a game together. However, old games such as The Visitor, or Reemus, have been played by most of the people in the room, and walkthroughs are plastered all over the internet, easily accessed via a quick google search.

10) Please don't post your play-by-plays. No one cares that your sniper just got artyed, and now you bought a gunner, and now a boss wave is coming, and now you got bombed to death so you are going to play sonny, and now you are facing the baron and oh crap he killed you, and omg the paladin is strong, and yay i stunned him, etc.

11) Be nice to visitors. It is true, invaders from other rooms can be a bad thing, but some of them are very nice. Try not to alienate our pals from Lunatic Pandora, or Digg Mark 1, for example. Remember, if someone is bugging you, you can always just mute them.

12) Lather, rinse, repeat. We don't want any stinky Sloths smelling up our home.

13) Clean up after yourself. Dirty dishes will not be tolerated. Whether your cleaning method consists of washing them, or simply tossing them into The Vortex, we don't mind, as long as they aren't messing up our room.

14) Cuddle puddles are always welcome. They are great for spreading the lurve and group bonding.

15) Any doubts about whether or not what you are about to type is appropriate? Don't post it! Tis better to be safe than sorry.

Follow all of these guidelines, and I'm sure that your stay in Sloth will be a good one, and you will develop many friendships with the fantastic people that frequent our lovely room.